The more things change

So this week my son refused to return to the Midwest to finish his senior year of college. He pronounced he is bisexual. And he is Vegan, has anxiety attacks, and is depressed. My husband almost had an aneurysm. My sister is flipping out, she has issues with life. My daughter continues to be a fairly disagreeable. I continue to work over time each week with no idea how not to. I am quite frankly exhausted.

My little grand daughter is a delight and I think the two of us should run away to a beach and be allowed to play all day.

Update

I have now been married for almost 22 years. 4 adult kids, 8 grand kids. I live in California and my husband lives in Minnesota. Long distance until the economy improves. I live with my mother, which drives me up a wall. I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I have decided I need to develop some kind of a life here, but not sure what that would look like. I am a social worker and love the work, but hate the politics. I have decided I am very close to be an atheist and really resent what has happened to the world because of religion, especially the changes in the US due to the right neo con Christians. Religion makes no sense to me or the idea of God. I think if people cared about how they treated others and what the world was like, no one would need a God. I am tired of competitiveness in all things. I think most people are good and are worth it!

Traveling

I hate to travel, not because I don't like to go places, but because of how horrible it is to travel. The airplanes are crowed, the airports are a mess, security is a time waster and I don't feel safer....You pray your pilot hasn't drank today and that the folk doing the up keep on the airplane are happy employees.

You get to where you are going then in the back of your mind the stress of returning is ever present.

That is why I love the travel channel, exposure to cultures with none of the hassles. What has the world come to.

Marriage

I think the secret to marriage is a few of things.....

1. making a commitment to your self that divorce is not an option. you have to say I will be married to him for ever.
2. give up your ego. you don't have to be right. most things you fight about don't matter at all.
3. all ow your self to be vulnerable. you have to be able to say I am sacred, hurt, and admit you are wrong.
4. love the person. honor the person. feel lucky for having that person.
5. be humble.

Friday

I love Friday nights. After a long week at work I get to go home a relax. I sit quietly and just stop thinking. My week is filled with people, if I could every weekend I would go off with my husband to a quiet beach and doing nothing for two days.

I work for CPS. Many people hate us, but what we do is vital for children. Everyday these small people are getting their lives back. They struggle with feeling at fault, being victims of the their parents, being victims of the system. They are damaged by life at such a young age. Let down by the adults who were suppose to love them.

It is unsettling to think that adults can hurt children so badly.

November

November is always unsettling. The holidays approach, the time changes and it is dark, and the remembering of family gone makes it somewhat unsettling. I have lived alone for over a year now and I do not like it. No husband, for the foreseeable future, and no children to care for, the fabric that was my life is not now there and I need to fill it with something. Work helps and helping children now has different meaning for me. I see those faces and all they want is love and I want to open my home to them all and just love them.

My oldest just turned 31 and my oldest grandchild will be 12 soon. in a few years I will be fifty. Wow life has moved fast, a blink of the eye and the years have past. I feel melancholy about the passage of time. Not getting older, but having so much to do in what seems like so little time.

I hope those who I love really know it and I hope those who I have hurt will forgive. At forty-six I can see the dumb shit I use to believe and do, the rigidity of it all, the selfishness.

The next 50 will be lived in life of service. When I leave this plane I want to have left love behind.

March 8th

Hi Honey, I finally finished the hall. It looks pretty good. Now I am fooling around on the internet, playing all my face book games and most likely Diablo next. That is what I do with free time.

Just a small follow up to our conversation earlier, I know you are joking when you say stuff about finding a dentist or ortho guy, but this bothers me too. I love you and don't want any one else. I can't wait to see you and I think of you every day. Your picture is next to my bed for a reason. I want you here and I want us to be 80 years old in our condo in California, bitching about Republicans. You are the man for me! No one could ever take your place.

Anyway, I love you very much.

Your wife forever, V

P.S. I will start blogging more